Tales of teenage Chavs
by writerkepstory
Summary: An exaggerated parody about chavs and how they behave. A bit offensive but that is my style :


**Da Croniklez of da chav**

**writ bye DA honourable and most highly esteemed MS Katherine Emily Plummer**

**Idea robbed off Dhriti Sha...**

Chapter 1- An exciting journey.

As she walked down the street, the wind whipping her braids back and forth, and enjoying the luscious taste of KFC, Bon Qui Qui felt happy to be alive. However this feeling could have been obtained due to the large amounts of cider she had just consumed with her two closest friends: Makeesha and Kourtney (with a K). She was slightly intoxicated and was feeling rather mischievous. She finished the last slab of the salty batter that enveloped the mushed chicken brain. As, she licked the grease off her voluptuous lips she burped violently.

"Ew manz lucky no mandem heard dat shit" Bon Qui Qui remarked to herself ponderously. Suddenly Makeesha appeared.

"Manz we bare lyk need to go on dat 41 to Archway ya gemme wifey?" she exlcaimed, her flourescent Paul's Boutique bag swinging by her side.

"Alie" replied Bon Qui Qui,

"I wanna lyk ya kno bare like gemme some coooolaaa lyk is it ya ooo ughh" Makeesha continued"

Bon Qui Qui considered her statement, pulling her greasy hair into a tight ponytail, as tight as a tiger might grasp its prey. "naaa ya kno what right? I need to spend bare moneyz lyk to screw dem government lyk cos I live off benefits and do noo work cos I is a selfish rebel lolz"

"ahhh raaa ooo omdzzz"said Makeesha.

With that they skipped off to KFC.

Chapter 2- Introducing Kourtney.

Hey ma name is Kourtney wiv a kay get it right gosh man dont hate apreccciate lolz anywzyz I is 15 I think. Ma fave food is burga king rofl. Ma hobbies are shooting sum weed wid da mandem. Purple bandana gang all day fuk all dem haterzz out dere shout out to ma bezzie bon qui qui. Ya gemme? Ya gemme? Am I got? Aite. Safe. Yaaaaa. I shit on da fedz all dey day tink dey can control me and I am all lyk naaa man naah there bare lyk saying I cant do me drugs and drink cider and shit I am like fuk dat shit. Fuk it now till it bleeds dats my motto. Hu do dey tink dey r talking to I am kourtney and I am above da lawz all I doe is liv off da state even tho I am capable of working in ma fa ve restaront bugger king. LOL eny way leeemme take a minit to descwibe maself. Ma hite is 1metre 63 cm ceritttified. I am a whitie babe but ma major goal in lyf is to be a dorito so every day I put on a tub of liqwid foundation on me face. I have some blond hairzzz and I bak comb dem and put some weird spray so I can be a tramp and de manz will wanna date me and respack me. Me daddi jon Is a pro gambler except he dont win so he drinks LOL my mum looks after me 43 siblings. She dont kno who all dere dads are so woops mum xxoxox LOOOLZ! I cant remember all ma siblings namezz dats hard I kno 5 doe Makenzii junior courtney 1 and courtney 11 wate dats 3 no 4 oo countingd bare hard. Imma rebel in me ALAN GCSE class all I do iss BBM ma mattes I lost ma virginity wen I woz 11 to dis reaalyy sweet guy called Keithyyy he lemme wait 2 weeks and he lasted 2 mins! Wow! I DINDt like feel no pleasure but oh well I luved him. Da next day he dumped me. Dunno y... Wen I am all grown up I wanna go on da x factor with bon qui qui we gonna be big but if we dont make it we can alwayz liv off da state my least fave food is carrots cos dey are butterz I dont have no 5 a day cos I cant count dat far and I dont no much vegs. Only carrot and chips and ketchup. Ma best subjects are pe. I am predicted D+ MA BEST PREDICTION YAYYY I is also getting bareee good at Art since I learnt how to not go over da linez wen we do colouring in. DT is aite cos u get to like mash up wood and dat. I luv chewing gum xoxox. English is baree hard ma arm gets achey like reaal talks say nada say nutting what? What? oo there all like read dis men and mice and im like naaaaaah man naaaar I only read mr men. Lixxxkle miz naughty datz me xoxox BABE ya ya ya maffs is hars bear counting and shit and science is bullshit lyk I am not atoms I is a hooman. Oh wait I kno 1 sience facktt. Hoomans are reptile. Frogs are mammals. OO dat wass hard to rememberize so I need to go bed now, I share ma room with all ma family. Imma go sleeeep on ma holey matriss with da rats dat me dad ( I tink it my dad) selz to KFC I share da matress with sum siblings so dat was awkwared wen I woz linkin with keithyyy LOL ya gemme we had sexxx. It was hard to get his penis in my ear so we realised its dat hole the blood cums from. Ya no da one. Nose. But den we remmember vagina so it was ok. Wagwan. We didnt wear no condom cos u can get aids from dat shit now I have dis rash on ma fanny but I roll wit=v it. Dats me I am out haterzz. Be bak soon

Chapter 3- Friction amongst chums

The two chums were happy. They had just been to the kebab SHOP and the seams of their londsdale tracksuits were almost bursting! They slurped their Diet coke (Makeesha was very health conscious) and sat on a urine soaked bench. Kourtney appeared. She had been running and was as sweaty as a Geordie in a Maths test. They debated the merits of living in a council flat or an estate. Kourtney got particularly worked up and had to use her asthma pump. Then they decided to plan their Monday.

"If dem twats at dat skl tink imma go lyk waste ma timee dey think dey are learnin me but dere not alie?" stated Bon Qui Qui.

"ya no wat yeah I dont wanna like allien ay ian ate oh shit piss u off yeah but I fink dat educashion is bare important lyk imma be a doktor lyk I seen scrubs and shit dem doctors get bareee moneys and shit" said Makeesha, adding a controversy to the topic.

"No wat like u fukin nerd wtf!" said Kourtney.

"fuk u nerd lyk real talks what da fuk" Bon Qui Qui said. She kissed her teeth passionately, whirling her saliva into a whirpool of frustration.

"ya kno what you is really pissing me off lately" Kourtney said. Bon Qui Qui nodded. The two allies stalked off arm in arm, their KFC filled bottoms shaking, resembling something off two lava lamps.

Makeesha was left on a bench all alone. She pondered her motives. Was she too harsh? Too controversial? She thought. Though as her vocabulary was not quite up to scratch, the exact thoughts were: "I bare think I might have got too vexed" and "ahh man why da fuk did I disagree wid dem shit man"

Meanwhile Bon Qui Qui and Kourtney had popped over to Kourtney's estate. There they had a moment to talk. "Fuk her man fuk her lyk say fukin nada!" exclaimed Kourtney, frothing at the mouth.

"alie to dat me braddar" said Bon Qui Qui.

"ya kno she has been pissing me off for tiiiimmme!" Kourtney said.

"yaaa and me, ya kno I dont wanto be frends wiv someone so disrespekful and mindful of dere education." Bon Qui Qui was particularly vocal as it was her proverbial 'time of the month' and she was somewhat hormonal.

Then two members of purple gang arrived at the scene. Dhritzz 'da shitzz' Jones was a huge 18 year old of 6ft 2. He was the leader of the estate and was extremely aggressive. Behind him was the clichéd small-but-deadly Billy-Bob 'da shank' Watson. The two boys were notorious and it would be safe to say that the two girls were quite in awe of them.

"ahh cant help hearin dat u is sik of ur … frend" Dhritzz exclaimed.

"i hate dat stuk up bitch aswell lyk" Mr Watson added.

"she bare thinks she is lyk better dan us thinking about her fukin educashion like why dont she liv off da state lyk da rest of us say no more blad kiss ma yellow teeth" Kourtney said. Kourtney had had many fillings in her short life, yet was not motivated to better herself. She relied on the NHS, a true chav through and through.

"ya kno wat we needz to teazh her a lesson since she lykz educashion sooo much" Dhritzz said, proud of himself for making what he thought was an intelligent joke. He smiled looking round at the congregation wildly. The others soon caught on. They laughed uneasily. Dhritzz nodded approvingly and then told the others his plan.

Chapter 4- The Plan

Hey its me Kourtney againnn! I am bare hapz lyk finally getting rid of dat shit head Makeesha lyk. BasicLY she started bum sukin dem teacher peepz lyk and me and bon qui qui were lyk wat da fuk mannn. So den we met Dhritzz and Billy-Bob. Dhritzz is fine boi real talkz. I fink he is da wun for me. He is like 3 or 4 yearz oldahh den me and he has an aktual job selling weed. He is so mature and grounded. I gave him a blo job and he sed he wuld call me. I DIDNT give him maa number so I dont no how he will call me but I trust him wiv all ma heart LOLZAA. So anywayzzz he is gonaa shank dat stuk up prik of a girl I swear down. She is gonna dieee like, we are gonna bare waste polic time from a petty argument dat we will regret when we are oldah but lyk liv in da moment lyk shank dut butterzzz bitch. Ahh dhritz is MA mannn now so if he says we is gonna shank her. DEN BAM. DIEEE BITCH DIIIE


End file.
